The Blue Travesty

Look, I like to call a spade a shovel and a shovel a pitchfork, but when it comes to this, this thing, the only thing I can call it is what it is: a travesty. A blue travesty.

And oh how blue it is.

Tomorrow, nudge nudge check back nudge, we’ll be cooking Discworld. Some of you will know Terry Pratchett’s Discworld and some won’t, and if you don’t, a brief run down is that Discworld is a fantasy/ humour series that’s spanned nearly 40 novels, a bunch of comics, plays, a movie, and two great seasons of animation. One of the recurring characters in Discworld is an old witch, Nanny Ogg, who is quite fond of cooking and men. Discworld is popular enough that Nanny Ogg’s book of recipes has been published for reals, so when it arrived in the post the other day I knew what I must do.

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I had to cook Discworld.

Unfortunately, despite my resolution, I remained myself, and was thus unprepared. It’s fairly easy to be unprepared for cooking. In my case however I very diligently picked three recipes – starter, main and dessert, and went out and bought anything we didn’t have in the appropriate quantities.

And then I read the recipes.

And that’s how I ended up making the blue travesty, which needed to be set for 24 hours before eating.

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I could say what I think the problem was, but in fact the problem was so many things that it cannot be pinned on any one factor. For one, I failed to make the connection between Klatchian Delight and Turkish Delight. For another, I had no way of accurately weighing the right amount of sugar. Thirdly, I did not account for the consistency of the end mixture when I bought the small rice paper circles instead of the large ones. Four, just… me. Just, fail. Just don’t even go there.

But if you do go there, you’re about to see some boiling gelatine and what I can only assume was the wrong amount of sugar:

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The funny thing is here, in the picture, it looks like everything is going okay. I already knew it wasn’t, but it’s difficult to tell just by looking at this (provided you don’t know what it should actually look like). Also, gelatin stinks and I never want to use it anything again.

Now, the recipe called for pink food dye, but it also said to be creative, so I used blue.

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This is about 1/3 teaspoon of blue food dye, and it was enough to make the travesty very, very blue.

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From here, the gelatin/ sugar mix has boiled and stood and absorbed the blueness throughout its tragic mass, and can be transferred onto the rice paper lined tray. Whatever you do, if you do this, if you’re reading the recipe right now and thinking about making this, if you have the gelatin on the stove and small rice paper circles covering a tray GO NO FURTHER. Do not do it. You will regret it for the next four days, and this I promise.

Picture of the Day 55: the blue travesty

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Okay, now, see where the goo is a lighter shade of blue? That is the only part of the rice paper which was not immediately and voraciously inundated by the blue travesty. That is to say, it’s the only part of the tray not coated in goo. The tray isn’t supposed to be coated in goo. There is to be no goo on the tray. Getting goo off the tray will take two days of soaking in industrial grade bike degreaser.

If you’re curious, the blue travesty did eventually set, within the 24 hours. And it tasted exactly like Turkish Delight (which is to say, awful, but that’s the bias of someone who doesn’t like Turkish Delight) and had the unfortunate yet interesting texture of jellified shark with the skin still attached.

I made of it what I could, which was this diorama of despair:

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Hell.

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About Anneque D. Machelle

Anneque "Dangerpus" Machelle (rhymes with ranger wuss) is a rebel and a rogue from way out west. Strictly banned from interactions with other human beings, she spends her days amongst molluscs, dogs and lizards, whom she counts as her closest friends.
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